too funny

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Taxidermy

For as long as i can remember, I have been intrigued by taxidermy. I wondered- how does the figure stay so realistically intact? Why use glass eyes? Are real eyes non-preservable? Why is it called TAXidermy?

Lately- since our cross-country trip last summer- I have been obsessed with all things drained, stuffed, and mounted.

During a pit stop at Prarie Dog Town in Kansas

(where we would hope to see the 80lb prairie dog advertised along route 70), Emily and I stretched our legs, sought shelter from an acsending storm, and met a very very strange woman in love with the shellacked poop they sold (along with fossilized bolo ties and “fuck PETA” bumper stickers). We paid our $5 in hopes to meet our 80lb friend and ended up getting much, much more.

After the woman strapped plastic bags over our feet (so we wouldnt get our “nice shoes” muddy), we headed for the outdoor freak show.

First we passed a cage of hissing rattle snakes. We gasped and giggled and then i saw it. A taxidermied, two-headed calf. I was in silent awe. Here it is behind Larry the owner:

Just a beauty right? Well anyways, we never saw the 80lb prairie dog, but we did see some jacked-up badgers, a six legged steer, and got chased by rabid turkeys.

SO, this leads me to this:

Possibly the most beautiful taxidermied cobra i have ever seen. My dream is to have this cobra, and make it into a ashtray/lighter to place on my desk forever and always. how you ask? Well in the coil would be an ashtray, and by a slight pull of the tail- a flame spits from the ferocious mouth. Brilliant right?

The problem is- taxidermy is expensive. This beauty is $159.00 on eBay. So help me live happily by sending me some dough to fund this project. Or send me a taxidermied cobra. Your choice.

A Pirate’s Keyboard

So funny.

i heart Telly Salavas

Mortified

This weekend was a great break in routine! Friday after work, my pals and I went into SF to see Mortified live. Mortified is, as my cousin Jaclyn describes, a mix between post-secret and Augusten Burroughs. Yes.

 

In actuality, it is a book compiled of old journal and diary entries from 80’s teen angst, sexual fantasies, religious inquisitions, and desperate means of survival. Needless to say, this stuff is super hilarious, but also a little unsettling due to similarities of personal growing pains.

 

The event was held at the Make-Out Room on 22^nd between Valencia (where all the dirty, sexy young kids hang out) and Market (where there are too many abandoned beautiful old theaters and eye glass stores).

 

The Make-Out Room is decked out in anything and everything glittery and sardonic. Silver streamers whirled from the ceiling, Mardi Gras beads framed the lazy spin of the disco ball, and the walls were lined with dense flower-printed chairs hiked up under Formica end tables- glued to the blue and orange vinyl flooring, and muddied-turquoise love-booths prevented walking room at the front of the bar/performance theater caboosed by a petite dark stage.

 

My favorite journal writer performed there on Friday too (Will Seymore)! It was they guy who wrote about his “Aunt Liza” (Minnelli that is), his unhealthy obsession with the soap opera The Guiding Light, his accidental shop-lifting habit, hatred of all things gym class, and infatuation with lemon bar recipes and salt-dough wreaths.

 

I laughed the whole way through as former geeks, Presbyterian nymphos, and utopian tendencied Goth chicks read their most embarrassing entries, through the competition of “worst teenage poet,” and through bursts of the-best-of-the-best 80’s tunes. I left with pit stains and laugh cramps and can’t wait to go again when they are back next month! Wanna come with?

 

Then on Saturday, we went to see Knocked-Up. Normally I would have been completely put off by this crude title (and the basic premise of the movie), but my boys from Freaks and Geeks

were in it, so I had to see it. I must admit, I laughed way too much and have no regrets on seeing it. There were some questionable areas, but dammit I needed to let loose and I did! Don’t pay $10 for it though- wait till its out on video.

also!

the singing man was back at the bus stop today! glory and rejoice!

p.s. would it be inappropriate to hug him?

umbrellas

i have never been able to understand umbrellas because i don’t care if i get wet. umbrellas have always been a mystery to me because i can’t understand why they appear just before it starts to rain. the rest of the time they are vacant from the landscape as if they had never existed. maybe the umbrellas live by themselves in little apartments under tokyo.

do the umbrellas know that it is going to rain? because i know that people don’t know. the weatherman says that it will rain tomorrow but it doesnt and you dont see a god-damn umbrella. then the weatherman says that it will be a sun-shiny day and suddenly there are umbrellas everywhere you look, and a few moments later, it starts raining like hell.

who are these umbrellas?

-richard brautigan

all i know is- that my greeen gingham umbrella is rather photogenic….
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*artsy photo by taylor

thoughting to work

these are things that swarmed my half awake-brain as i rode the NL 20 minutes into dowtown Oakland:

1. i hate wearing my glasses because i feel like it impares my hearing (i finally realized today that this may be absurd)

2. i saw a man, in full winter get up (it was 60 degrees today) standing under a trelis, not moving. he was standing there- hat, coat, scarf, gloves- just standing and looking. i wanted to leap off the bus and poke him. or give him a hug and a handshake.

3. the man whom usually stands outside of my building and hollers songs about love and frank sinatra- hasn’t been there for 4 days. he is there every morning. and today he wasnt. i missed his taught sun burned skin and rain hat. he hates when people look at him.

4. a group of bella vista 8 year olds (i’m talkin 2 dozen) leapt onto the bus and filled the remaining empty seats with their courduroy butts and vinyl bookbags. normally i would cringe and retreat into myself from their sqealing and gregorious hum…but it was actually really beautiful. 24 kids of different shades, heights, haircuts- all having fun together on the bus. just a beautiful sea of children.

5. possibly the most puzzling- i walked one block from my bus stop to my building and passed a metal shopping cart swirling with children’s books. novel soup. i stopped and look intensely at the cart. tried to count the books. seriously contemplating wheeling the cart back to where the children got off the bus. but just kept walking wishing to spend the day handing out picture books to business people swinging their brief cases up and down broadway.

6. what if there was an express train from tokyo to montana?

mystery box (and my cat is chasing his tail)

occasionally my father (male, 54. says i look so much like him that i couldve been “shot outta his ass.”) will send me a small brown papered box pocked with kitten stickers and drawings of mushrooms and other flora. this time, the package had quite a large return label with his address embraced by a large cut out of a tabby kitten. i knew that what was awaiting inside would be nothing short of miraculous. after peeling away 2 layers of Weis grocery bags (avoiding the emitting heavenly light), i find:

. one “a hug from you to me” card complete with decorated envelope, and poem.

. one watch wrapped in plastic. faux alligator band. not ticking.

. about 13 mini “french-milled” soaps wrapped in tissue paper

. 3 unpackaged tooth brushes- yellow, green, and red

. crest whitening toothpaste and floss (mint AND cinnamon)

. seven piece mystery box (two pens, a travel hairbrush/mirror, mini flashlight, scissors, calculator/magnet/clip, and manicure kit)

. a Jehovah’s Witness coming of age book (what i thought would be the gem of the set)
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. AND……….

a Franklin Mint……Collector’s…….Lord of the Rings…..SWITCHBLADE

no joke. it’s amazing. Gandolf slays the golden dragon accents with a heavily detailed sword. there is also a purple jewel nestled into the turret topped grip. this is an amazing addition to my dragon lady pocket watch also given to me by my father.
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a religious puberty book and a knife. brilliant.

what is a girl to do with a bracelet that is blue?

a coworker bought me a lovely accessory while boutique hopping in NOLA> a lovely wrap-around bracelet with dark wooden beads, blue glass beads, and these fun little silver shakin bell things. in high school i was covered head-to-toe in jewelry, but i quickly lost most of my outward sparkle, including a piercing i severely miss. this little, well actually it is rather large, bangle makes me wanna go out and jingle! what’s the problem? i have no idea what to do this weekend. I’m not in NOLA, Emily is out of town (when the cat’s away…), and all i have planned is a nerdy day at the Alternative Press Expo (http://www.comic-con.org/ape/) on Saturday.

what to do what to do….Alley? Ruby Room? i need to meet some people. maybe i will go to the library with my noise making bracelet and make some friends…or enemies as it may be…

my favorite bird

i will WRITE something soon, but until then i will show you why i am inlove with the albatross and why i am practicing their mating dance….

alanis doing fergie?! what?

daily dilemna

so i have this spice rack. it looks a little something like this:

it’s an 18- bottle milk glass VINTAGE griffith’s spice rack. ok, so what’s the problem right? thing is, i can’t put anything in them because i haven’t washed them, and i can’t wash them because i don’t want to wash away their history. same reason why i have only used my vintage primary color pyrex refrigerator set once. why are things hard?