Sushi Boat… 20 Rules
August 11, 2010
My girlfriend doesn’t like sushi, but it’s pretty much my fav. Whenever she’s out of town or otherwise occupied for dinner, I call up my best friend Tay-Tay and she knows it’s time to go to the Grand Avenue Sushi Boat in Oakland. When we get there I’m so ecstatic to be eatting raw poisson, that I forget to set boundries, until it’s too late and I am over-full and $30 in the hole. So I started jotting down rules to remember for my next visit. Here are my top 20:
1. Never, no matter how much you think you want it, get the inari. It’s merely a filler, and more delicious things await you.
2. Never get anything with salmon skin. It is fatty and metallic and makes you want to die.
3. If you eat too many rolls, you’ll fill up on rice. More delicious things await you, like spicy salmon wrapped in avacado.
4. Eat your afternoon snack at work so you don’t spend $30.
5. Keep track of the money you are spending so you don’t spend $30.
6. Always remember your Frequent Sushi Eaters. Free things await you.
7. Friday happy hour = free things await you.
8. The tamago is good and cheap.
9. If you are going to order off the menu, do it first. If you don’t you will leave wishing you ordered the baked salmon roll.
10. Do not eat more than one unagi roll. It is oily and the burps to follow will make you regret it.
11. Only drink water and / or hot tea. Soda will fill you up and make your burps taste like fish.
12. B R E A T H E
13. Always eat your ginger.
14. Only use light soy sauce. Or else you will swell up like a balloon.
15. Avoid the mayo baked mussels. Their texture is that of vomit.
16. If it doesn’t have a plastic cover on it, don’t eat it.
17. No one ever eats the edamame or seaweed salad wrapped in plastic. You shouldn’t either.
18. Never eat more than one fried thing. It’s like eating sushi fast food.
19. Never finish with a fried thing. It will negate all the fresh things you just ate.
20. Towards the end of your meal, if you think you can eat just one more, you really can’t.
An extra tip for post sushi consumption: Do not, I repeat, do not, drink a dirty martini. It will taste like the ocean and give you nightmares of a dead fish swamp in your belly.
Closing remarks: No matter how tempting it is to play with the chain of boats in the stainless steal river, it will only end in the drowning of very expensive food and very upset sushi chefs.
I love this . Crack up! So true avoid the tasty enari and rolls fill you up quick. I have to say that the seaweed salad is my favorite. Our rule is , eat anything with Salmon spicy tuna and avocado… Remind me to give you my frequent diners card from the Grand Avenue Sushi Boat in Oakland.
seaweed salad is pretty delicious! and your spicy tuna/avocado rule is going in my bank! i would loooooove to adopt your card; it’d be an honor to carry on indulging in your name.