i went to a chinese buffet.

i know i know. i dont know why i did it. but it happened. and i wish it hadnt. i shouldve known, considering it was in fremont, which not only is a wasteland, but does not have a high Chinese population.
you would have thought, also, that the condition of the restrooms would’ve clued me in to what i was about to endure. chartreuse lychen grew up the back of the toilet and the faucet only ran two temperatures: bone bursting cold and flesh melting hot.
but no. we continued on- holding our cafeteria trays and sliding past each basin of luke-warm wads of over-sauced meat and bug-eyed seafood.
again, i shouldve known not to proceed as i walked over to the salad bar and nine dozen prawns were staring up at me…nuzzled together like clams in mud.

i couldn’t save them. they were already dead.
so we sank into the plastic sheathed booths, avoiding eye contact and wondering silently why we were two of 7 people there.
$7.99 for unlimited msg to fill my howling gut seemed like a good idea until i bit into the “kung pao” chicken and decided i was actually eating pigeon- or possibly something canine.
i spit out the half-gummed carcass, and tried the shu mai. it was stuffed with sausage and cold in the middle. strike two.
gyoza- like road kill wrapped in tire rubber. strike three.
did i keep going? yes.
my roommate attempted her “meal” next. sweet and sour chicken? no. “pizza?” no. sushi? definitely not.
we decided after her attempt at dessert and my inability to decipher if i was chewing lo mein or tape worms,

to run out of the place, puke in the parking lot, and drive the 27.5 miles home.
we each sucked down a camel light (didnt help) and then finished off my $2 container of hippy gum.
i dont think i will eat for the rest of today. whenver i look at my cat harold, i feel guilty cause i just ingested his cousin.
